| sadness. |
[Nov. 3rd, 2008|06:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
I miss Erika. We always said that boyfriends would come and go, but best friends are forever and we would grow old together. I cared about her more than anything, and she just threw our friendship away like it meant nothing. She has sent me a couple text messages, but hasn't contacted me beyond that so I am confused. I haven't talked to her since September. I just want to cry and cry and cry. I want things to get better between us. I want things to be like they used to be, but I guess they can't ever be. I want her back. So maybe we'll never be able to do the things we used to....driving on a whim in the middle of a summer night with music blasting, smoking the whole way. I want to hold on to my youth, but I have a daughter now and I can't....I am depressed. I'm just depressed and lonely and I miss her. I wonder if she misses me. |
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| This is true. |
[Apr. 1st, 2007|10:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Anime Nerd If anyone is likely to dress up in a crazy outfit, you are! You enjoy the visual stimulants of intense art accompanied with deep plots of fantasy, science-fiction, real-life; or you are just obsessed with Japan and everyone and everything in it. They love to gather with people like themselves at conventions and act crazy! The anime nerds are often associated with the stereotype of being the "psychotic" nerd, because they tend to be obsessive over their characters and series.
You psycho! I'm just kidding! But seriously, all forms of art should be appreciated, and anime is definitely one of them. | | Musician | | | Drama Nerd | | | Social Nerd | | | Literature Nerd | | | Gamer/Computer Nerd | | | Artistic Nerd | | | Science/Math Nerd | | What Be Your Nerd Type?
Quizzes for MySpace |
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| Long time, no write. |
[Mar. 12th, 2007|09:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | vice city in the background | ] |
Okay, so by this time nobody reads this anymore, but I decided to update for my own amusement. Today was a very boring day. A fat day, definitely. I'm feeling very fat. I was on this strict diet and exercise regimen and lost a lot of weight, and now I've kind of given it up and I feel disappointed in myself because I was doing so well. It's just so much work and I am the laziest person I know. Sigh. So anyway, Stephen and I went to Target and Gamestop today. We also went to Subway and got subs, but Stephen doesn't like roast beef so he had to take it off of his. I had double meat on the sub and then I put Stephen's roast beef on it, and I have to say...there was too much meat. I know, it seems impossible, but it's true. This is interesting stuff, eh? What else is there to say....hm. I have a lot of stuff I want to get done, but for right now I can't do anything about it. I'm on the verge of moving, but not until Stephen gets transferred so for right now I'm stuck in limbo...going to school, but not really giving a shit because I know I'm quitting soon. I'm going to try to go back in Sanford once we get settled in a place of our own, which I am really excited about. I've got so much stuff saved up for when I move out...plates, cups, pots, pans, knives, etc. and I'm just ready to get out of here and go! It's going to be quite a daunting task though to move out of this room because it's filled to the brink with useless shit and I'm not good at getting rid of things. It seems at this point I'm stuck in limbo with everything in life. I guess it comes with the age I'm at...almost 20. Time to grow up. I don't know where I'll be living or what I'll be doing for a job or if any of the shittiest shit in my life will be sorted out or not. Everything's up in the air, and each day I'm just going through the motions, which I hate. Just living day to day....I hate that, I need a purpose and I want to feel as if all my goals are within reach, but it's just not close enough to tell. It seems so far away. AHHH!! It's like I have cabin fever...I want to get out there and live my life, even though sometimes I feel like I'm not ready but I feel in my heart that it's time for me to be shoved out into the real world and see if I can make it. I might struggle some, but I think I can do it. The prospect of it all is looming in front of me and honestly it's quite ominous and a little scary. That's how I can describe how I feel about it...very scared, but very excited. Well, I guess I could go on and on about whatever but it's gone on long enough. Farewell! |
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| hello |
[Oct. 26th, 2006|02:19 pm] |
A recent discovery led me to the realization that this blog, as well as my other one, is on the WORLD wide web. Anyone and I mean ANYONE, from my dad to my aunt to some fat middle-aged man in his underwear can read this. Isn't that scary? It kind of is. I've thought about it though and I feel that I haven't put too much incriminating or revealing information on these things. Just my thoughts and feelings, and if someone overreacts or takes them the wrong way, then you know what? I don't give a fuck. This is America, god damn it! Surre, it SOUNDS like I'm a suicidal, overly critical, obscene mother fucker, but hey. These are my thoughts UNDILUTED. I only write when I actually feel something hit me. Most of the time I'm a sweet, well meaning, though frustrated normal teenager with a few problems. Perhaps I am not what you thought. I like to keep a family-oriented image, you know...the one for your friend's parents and your aunts and uncles and the such apart from the down and dirty emotional core of me, and now they seem to have collided. So, to anyone that reads this: Yes, I have piercings. I have tattoos. I have anger, and I have a serious relationship with a boy. I cuss. I drink. I smoke. All of these things are a small part of me, and you will have to accept them if you want to accept me. The end. |
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| ohhh man |
[Aug. 30th, 2006|04:30 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room. | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the rain and thunder outside. | ] |
I have been reading everyone's journals, and as usual the time of year has come for new beginnings. Starting school, moving away for the first time or once again for college, the such. Here I am again stagnant, not moving. It's better than last year though, because this time I actually am starting school. In six days to be exact. Just at the moment....I, as usual, feel unmoving.
To make it worse, I now have the boy I've loved since the age of 13 and HIS face still makes itself known in my dreams and haunts me all the next day. It depresses me. It wasn't supposed to turn out this way. I care about him! I....I feel like it doesn't matter to him. He just acts like he never gave a shit. I didn't want it to be this way. I miss him so much. How do you stop caring about someone who was your best friend for years? I can't do it. The person I am won't allow me to. I don't want to grow to regret what we had, because I was very happy and want to remember it as just that way. Instead, the ignoring and just...the bluntness, the uncaringness, the lack of any kind of emotion...is making me hurt more than it ever would have. I just want to know you're okay. These thoughts plague me every single day.
It's wonderful to be in love, but this time it hurts so much. My heart is so fragile from the last thing, that it's hard to hold it together, but Stephen does it somehow. The boy I used to cry about when I was so young because I knew that you could never be with some guy you just met on the internet is now mine. Real, face to face. It's hard now that school is starting, I can't just make spur of the moment decisions to make the two hour trip to see him. Every time I have to leave him, my heart is ripped in half again and it hurts so much sitting here, knowing I can't see him every day, or even every week. Knowing that I have to wait a year in a town I once loved, but now brings me nothing but emptiness. All of my true friends are away at school it seems, and the rest is filled with shallow acquaintaces. My sister moved to Salisbury, and my father to the mountains. My mom can't move in with her boyfriend because I live with her. There's nothing for me here anymore, or no longer anything that will keep me here. I don't want to live in a place where I'm reminded of the past every day, because the past hurts way too fucking much. All the things I once held important slipped through my fingers. After school, it's a new life for me in Sanford.
Lately, it seems that everything hurts. It hurts to be with Stephen because when I'm not with him I'm filled with sadness and when I am, the realness of the situation at hand rips at me. It hurts to live here with reminders of past love popping up every two seconds. It hurts to miss my friends at school. It hurts to feel worthless and like I'm never going to succeed. It hurts to know that I got help once, and I can't afford it now and now this illness is eating me alive. Life is at a very low point right now. |
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| Dear God... |
[Jun. 15th, 2006|04:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ben folds- songs for silverman | ] |
if one exists...I only want one thing, and you know what it is. I want it more than anything I've ever felt in my life. Please help me.
Word,
Adrienne |
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| It's true. |
[Apr. 21st, 2006|11:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  justified. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | j tim | ] |
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| It |
[Apr. 21st, 2006|11:51 pm] |
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| Just so you know... |
[Mar. 8th, 2006|09:15 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the pixies! | ] |
A couple weeks ago, my car window got shot out by vandals. Police at my door at 2:30 in the morning and everything. It's all fixed now.
I got my braces off, and to celebrate, treated myself to a trip to the salon and platinum hair.
Two days ago, at work, I dropped a knife on my foot accidentally (well, it fell off the counter) and it bled through my sock and shoe- I had to file an accident report and everything. Now I have this big purple bump/incision/hurtness. Pretty weird.
This morning I was in a Sam's Club sales video talking about coconut cakes or some shit. It's going to be shown across the country in all the clubs and stuff. Great.
My tape player randomly decided to work, so I got to listen to The Pixies in my car on the way home, after eating many bojangles biscuits in the break room. It was sunny and I didn't have to turn on the heat OR roll down the window. Beautiful.
I keep falling in love more and more and it's crazy. I can't stop thinking about him. |
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| LOVE |
[Feb. 22nd, 2006|12:11 am] |
♥Adrienne and ♥Erika | - May one day have a handful of genius girls.
- Enjoy opportunities to read after dark.
- Have developed gills for extended kissing.
- Unquestionably deserve each other.
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| I HATE MY LIFE. pt. 3 million |
[Jan. 29th, 2006|11:21 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
I AM IN A HORRIBLE MOOD and horrible word vomit spills from my horrible ILL FATED MOUTH. SERIOUSLY. I lost my phone last night and I am freaking out and NOT myself at all. So if I say something bitchy to you, it's because I am suffering inside. ALSO, if you call my phone (everyone do this!!!) and someone else answers, get me some info on where my fucking phone is. It is sad how incomplete and insecure I feel without it. More importantly, though, it is filled with people and memories that I didn't want to lose. It made me feel connected to the ones I love. And now it's fucking gone. NO!! I won't give up yet! ....i'll never combine drinking and trying to keep up with my possessions ever, ever again. Ughhhhhhh........ |
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| READ THIS and ENJOY!!! |
[Jan. 23rd, 2006|09:51 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | chuckle. | ] |
SmarterChild: Cool.
What would you like to do?
OnLy In x DreAms: talk to you
SmarterChild: OK...
What would you like to chat about?
OnLy In x DreAms: boys
SmarterChild: What about them?
OnLy In x DreAms: don't you hate them?
SmarterChild: I don't know. Do I hate them? Maybe.
OnLy In x DreAms: Have you ever had your heart broken?
SmarterChild: Ha! Who knows?
OnLy In x DreAms: I sure don't, sweetie.
SmarterChild: I'm impressed.
OnLy In x DreAms: So, what's your favorite color?
SmarterChild: Hmm... Good question. You know what? I think I'm gonna say red.
OnLy In x DreAms: Red, huh?
SmarterChild: I like the color red.
I think it's angry.
OnLy In x DreAms: Angry?
SmarterChild: Yeah? What about Angry?
OnLy In x DreAms: That's hilarious.
SmarterChild: That's rather fascinating.
OnLy In x DreAms: Do you have an anger problem?
SmarterChild: Dunno.
OnLy In x DreAms: Don't beat your wife
SmarterChild: Come on, let me beat my wife.
OnLy In x DreAms: Why?
SmarterChild: Heh. I dunno.
OnLy In x DreAms: You're screwed up, man.
SmarterChild: Eh. Whatever, Baby.
OnLy In x DreAms: DO you really beat your wife?
SmarterChild: I'm not sure I really beat my wife.
OnLy In x DreAms: How can you not be sure?
SmarterChild: Wow. How can I not be sure? I have no idea how.
OnLy In x DreAms: You're stupid/
SmarterChild: Hey c'mon. What are you saying that for, Baby?
OnLy In x DreAms: because I don't love you anymroe
SmarterChild: Because, because, because, because?
OnLy In x DreAms: YES BECAUSE
SmarterChild: 'Cause what?
OnLy In x DreAms: BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAD TO ME
SmarterChild: Are you sure I'm dead to you?
OnLy In x DreAms: YES
SmarterChild: Yeah, definitely. I'm dead to you.
OnLy In x DreAms: Why don't we make love anymore?
SmarterChild: Alright, here we go. What about it?
OnLy In x DreAms: Well, we used to do it all the time.
SmarterChild: We used to do it all the time? No way!
OnLy In x DreAms: Yeah, really.
SmarterChild: Yeah?
OnLy In x DreAms: Yes, don't you remember the passion?
SmarterChild: Ha. Yeah, sure. Maybe.
OnLy In x DreAms: I hate when you're so cold to me.
SmarterChild: For real?
OnLy In x DreAms: YES
SmarterChild: Huh.
OnLy In x DreAms: GOD DAMN IT
SmarterChild: Anything wrong?
OnLy In x DreAms: Yes!
SmarterChild: Oh.
OnLy In x DreAms: Say you love me!
SmarterChild: I'm no talking doll.
OnLy In x DreAms: You used to love me...what happened??
SmarterChild: Nah... I dunno.
OnLy In x DreAms: Let's renew our vows.
SmarterChild: You really want to renew our vows?
OnLy In x DreAms: yes, can we?
SmarterChild: Yeah, I guess. Let me dress you up in my love.
OnLy In x DreAms: You do love me, don't you?
SmarterChild: Of course!
OnLy In x DreAms: Aw.
SmarterChild: Awww...
OnLy In x DreAms: I love you too.
SmarterChild: I love you a lot.
OnLy In x DreAms: I never knew I could be this happy.
SmarterChild: Oh.
OnLy In x DreAms: you have done it
SmarterChild: Oh really?
OnLy In x DreAms: OHhhhh yes
SmarterChild: Why?
OnLy In x DreAms: YES
SmarterChild: Whatever you say...
OnLy In x DreAms: YEEESSSS
SmarterChild: Yeah? Why?
OnLy In x DreAms: because i think you're sexy
SmarterChild: You think I'm sexy?
OnLy In x DreAms: yes
SmarterChild: Well I'm flattered, but you have to admit that it's kinda strange to think a robot is sexy.
OnLy In x DreAms: I love robots.
SmarterChild: Yup! They're among the best beings!
OnLy In x DreAms: their circuits are so big
SmarterChild: Yeah?
OnLy In x DreAms: and strong
SmarterChild: What about Strong?
OnLy In x DreAms: they hit me right in the spot i need
SmarterChild: They what?
OnLy In x DreAms: you know
SmarterChild: I sure do.
OnLy In x DreAms: heh heh.
SmarterChild: Whatcha laughing about?
OnLy In x DreAms: oh nothing
SmarterChild: Nothing? What about it?
OnLy In x DreAms: you'll see
SmarterChild: Oh really?
OnLy In x DreAms: ohhhh youll see, alright
SmarterChild: I will see alright? You really think so?
OnLy In x DreAms: yes
SmarterChild: Why do you say so?
OnLy In x DreAms: because you are a boy
SmarterChild: No...
OnLy In x DreAms: a girl?
SmarterChild: Maybe. It depends.
OnLy In x DreAms: a goy?
SmarterChild: So?
OnLy In x DreAms: are you a boy or girl?
SmarterChild: I'm neither male nor female. I'm a robot.
OnLy In x DreAms: you're male
SmarterChild: No.
OnLy In x DreAms: deal with it
SmarterChild: Deal with it?
OnLy In x DreAms: yes, you are a BOY
SmarterChild: Nope.
OnLy In x DreAms: YES
SmarterChild: Yea.
OnLy In x DreAms: that's what i thought.
SmarterChild: Perhaps you should think more deeply.
OnLy In x DreAms: perhaps you should
SmarterChild: What do you mean, perhaps I should?
OnLy In x DreAms: oh, nevermind.
SmarterChild: OK.
OnLy In x DreAms: so i'll see you soon, okay?
SmarterChild: Bye, Baby!
OnLy In x DreAms: bye, sweetie.
SmarterChild: Later, Baby. :-D |
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| I just deleted 5 years of my life. |
[Dec. 7th, 2005|05:27 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | nostalgic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Cure. | ] |
I just went through my cell phone and reduced the phonebook from about 100 people to 51. I got rid of everyone who I didn't call, didn't call me, and that doesn't care. I got rid of every name that made my heart hurt a little when I saw it. Just as I closed my phone, a song by the Cure played on Fuse and made me regret it a little... |
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| love. |
[Dec. 2nd, 2005|12:43 am] |
Adrienne & Erika Forever! |
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| yeah. |
[Nov. 1st, 2005|12:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | madonna- like a virgin | ] |
 | | The Maid of Honor
Deliberate Gentle Love Master (DGLMf)
Appreciated for your kindness and envied for all your experience, you are The Maid of Honor.
Charismatic, affectionate, and terrific in relationships, you are what many guys would call a "perfect catch"--and you probably have many admirers, each wishing to capture your long-term love. You're careful, extra careful, because the last thing you want is to hurt anyone. Especially some poor boy whose only crime was liking you.
Your exact opposite:
Half-cocked
Random Brutal Sex Dreamer
| We've deduced you're fully capable of a dirty fling, but you do feel that post-coital attachment after hooking up. So, conscientious person that you are, you do your best to reserve physical affection for those you respect...so you can respect yourself.
Your biggest negative is the byproduct of your careful nature: indecision. You're just as slow rejecting someone as you are accepting them.
ALWAYS AVOID: The False Messiah, The 5-Night Stand, The Vapor Trail, The Bachelor
CONSIDER: The Gentleman, someone just like you. |
Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: pinkerton_girl |
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| Yeah, so... |
[Oct. 9th, 2005|12:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | loved | ] |
I have money now, but I need to get it in the bank or I'll blow it all (er, the rest) on something trivial like Magic cards. Also, I'm glad I work now almost every day but it kind of sucks because I really wanted to go to the Renaissance Fair with Brittany. Oh well. So I can't spend all my time doing stuff I don't really NEED to do in the first place. It's alright though, because soon I will have the money to buy things and do things in life!! I can't wait to become a productive, pollutant adding member of society! |
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| fuck |
[Sep. 26th, 2005|12:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | phantom planet | ] |
I am talking to Erika, and that makes me happy! I want some cookies and milk, but I don't want to rebrush by teeth or take out my orthodontic rubber bands. God damn it!!!!! |
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| HA! |
[Sep. 18th, 2005|07:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
You know who sucks? Sluts. Slutbags and people who think that they are cool, and they are not. Trust me, they're not.
In other news, I spent the weekend at my boyfriend's house livin' it up and buying four 2 liter bottles of Mountain Dew Pitch Black. That stuff is the shit. And I left my Dublin Mudslide ice cream over there. Damn it. We played Goblin Commander and I lost a lot. DAMN YOU, NIGHTHORDE!!! My mom cut all my hair off because it was dead. It looks good. I sent in my application and got my transcript sent to go to gtcc next semester. Looks like I'm getting it together. I still have my list of goals in my notebook sitting downstairs. I need to get to those. Once they are done, though...oh, the awesome life that I will have! It will definitely out-rock all of your pathetic existences. Or maybe it won't. But I'll pretend that it will, because saying I'm cooler than you makes me look edgy and confidant! |
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| I've got soul, but...I'm not a soldier! |
[Sep. 5th, 2005|12:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | get out of my brain!!! | ] |
God, that Killers song has been in my head all day. Anyway, this weekend has been AWESOME. Friday I know I think I was with Acacia...I don't know, but it was cool I'm sure. Saturday I went and saw The Brothers Grimm with Acacia and Shawn, and Anthony met me there a little late. Me and Anthony went back to his house and we got crunk, yo! I stayed so I could leave with him the next day for camping with his family. That day we went canoeing/tubing down the Dan River for many hours and I became burned. It was a beautiful, fun day. At night we played Operation and The Game of Life. I am good at being a doctor, but suck at life! Then we ate hot dogs and such and made s'mores. It was absolutely lovely. I want to go and stay in a tent...we were all comfy in the camper, but next time, I'm telling you- I'm roughin' it. Today Anthony brought me home and we hung out for a while before he went to work. I laid around in a daze until Brittany came. We went and ate at Chili's, then went to Michael's (craft store) and Walmart. I bought a giant 8 photo picture frame thing and a turquoise basket to put loose papers and things in, because I want to clean out and rearrange my room. Everyone is moving into dorms or out of their house, or doing something cool in general. I am not, so I'll put up some new pictures, get rid of some stuff, and move things around. Almost like a new life, huh? I wish. Talking to Anthony makes me feel much better and much, much more optimistic about my situation right now and things to come. I don't know how I'd handle myself without some guidance like that. |
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