||[Aug. 30th, 2006|04:30 pm]
|||||the rain and thunder outside.||]|
I have been reading everyone's journals, and as usual the time of year has come for new beginnings. Starting school, moving away for the first time or once again for college, the such. Here I am again stagnant, not moving. It's better than last year though, because this time I actually am starting school. In six days to be exact. Just at the moment....I, as usual, feel unmoving.
To make it worse, I now have the boy I've loved since the age of 13 and HIS face still makes itself known in my dreams and haunts me all the next day. It depresses me. It wasn't supposed to turn out this way. I care about him! I....I feel like it doesn't matter to him. He just acts like he never gave a shit. I didn't want it to be this way. I miss him so much. How do you stop caring about someone who was your best friend for years? I can't do it. The person I am won't allow me to. I don't want to grow to regret what we had, because I was very happy and want to remember it as just that way. Instead, the ignoring and just...the bluntness, the uncaringness, the lack of any kind of emotion...is making me hurt more than it ever would have. I just want to know you're okay. These thoughts plague me every single day.
It's wonderful to be in love, but this time it hurts so much. My heart is so fragile from the last thing, that it's hard to hold it together, but Stephen does it somehow. The boy I used to cry about when I was so young because I knew that you could never be with some guy you just met on the internet is now mine. Real, face to face. It's hard now that school is starting, I can't just make spur of the moment decisions to make the two hour trip to see him. Every time I have to leave him, my heart is ripped in half again and it hurts so much sitting here, knowing I can't see him every day, or even every week. Knowing that I have to wait a year in a town I once loved, but now brings me nothing but emptiness. All of my true friends are away at school it seems, and the rest is filled with shallow acquaintaces. My sister moved to Salisbury, and my father to the mountains. My mom can't move in with her boyfriend because I live with her. There's nothing for me here anymore, or no longer anything that will keep me here. I don't want to live in a place where I'm reminded of the past every day, because the past hurts way too fucking much. All the things I once held important slipped through my fingers. After school, it's a new life for me in Sanford.
Lately, it seems that everything hurts. It hurts to be with Stephen because when I'm not with him I'm filled with sadness and when I am, the realness of the situation at hand rips at me. It hurts to live here with reminders of past love popping up every two seconds. It hurts to miss my friends at school. It hurts to feel worthless and like I'm never going to succeed. It hurts to know that I got help once, and I can't afford it now and now this illness is eating me alive. Life is at a very low point right now.